Putting a mouth on my money

I've never had budget. And I'm way too old to admit that.

I'm not particularly extravagant or spendthrift so I've just never worried or thought about it much.

Except nowadays, I feel sort of like a wheel missing a spoke. Everyone is losing their shirts - and more - over money and yet I couldn't really tell you much about my own financial situation. I know I have one - a financial situation that is - I'm just not sure what it looks like.

So last week, I decided I needed to pay attention to the an area in my life that was not very inspiring. I planned that Sunday, today, would be budget day.

I had read about how to make creating a budget fun. Author Terra Atrill made some brilliant suggestions and I immediately went to work laying out fun markers - ooh pretty! - and paper - hooray! - and my expenses...yawn...and a list of my investments...hey, what's that on TV?...and accounts in -- wow, I'm hungry.

Soon enough I was up-and-about cleaning this, organizing that, snooping in my fridge for the chocolate that wasn't there and doing everything to avoid actually creating what really would be a powerful tool for my life.

Why was it so hard? Why couldn't I just suck it up and do it?!

So instead of budgeting I started writing down a list of blog topics I wanted to investigate. By each one, I put a deadline and a reason, or rather, a motivation: "I want to write about this subject because...." Doing this inspired me and led to new, more creative, ideas for expression because it tapped into a core value of mine, a "driving purpose," as my favourite life-coach Tony Robbins would say.

But the pretty paper and shiny markers I set out for my budget-work were right beside me, mocking my inefficiency.

Still, I went back to my blog list and finished up. I then started fleshing out an idea about a Facebook storytelling project I wanted to get off the ground. And my first thought was, "This is going to cost a lot of money but man, it's going to be so cool! I'll bet I could get so-and-so to sponsor it, and I could get this-such-organization to give me a grant, and if I saved such-and-such an amount I could have this done in a year!"

At this point I had forgotten about my budget. I was just on fire - in my head, in my heart, on paper, even my pen couldn't keep up with me.

So I started to write down how much money I would need for the project and in the middle of it all I realised, suddenly (as most things tend to happen), that it's not that I was some sort of budget-bananahead it was that I had never given my money a purpose.

This Facebook project (more to come later) would require money and like a carrot at the end of a stick, I was budgeting without knowing it.

My money wanted goals. It wanted deadlines and discipline as badly as my editor.

So I grabbed my paper and markers and instead of starting out with the mammoth task of doing a daily, monthly and yearly budget I drew up a values-based budget, that didn't have a single dollar or cents sign involved.

Instead, I just wrote out what I wanted my money to do for me.

And it looked like this:

"Money, I'd really like you to give me the freedom to be able to travel and visit my Facebook friends so that I can complete this project. You're going to be a BIG player in this thing. I want you to provide for this project because secretly I think it could transform the way we think about each other and I can't wait to get started. Here's the thing, I just don't think I have enough of you and I worry you're going to run out when I need you. What do you think I should do?"

So if you think that's crazy it you'll think what happened next is just bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

My money talked back.

"Honey," it said, "I want that too. I'm super excited to see you so excited. You're on fire thinking about it and I would love to be the reason you succeed at getting this project done. I mean, can you imagine - your creativity and my resource, we could really do it. Except here's the thing, you're constantly giving me away to strangers. I know you like Carlos Santana shoes and yes, they are fun yet feminine, but do you really need them? I mean you kind of, like, have 20 pairs of shoes already. Imagine if you saved up that money and put it toward your project. Huge! Keep me in your wallet. I promise you'll be successful."

Whoa. My money used the word "like." Like, unacceptable.

Now as crazy as this little exchange seems, it worked for me. Why? Because I realized that like many people, I'm sure, I don't value money for the sake of money. And for the longest time that made me think I was somehow deficient, or worse, indifferent to my own financial security. But that wasn't true, it was just easier to believe.

What became clear was that I hadn't given my money any personal value. That is, I was constantly fighting my bottom-line because I saw it as mutually exclusive to the rest of my life. Money had nothing to do with me being a journalist, or a story-teller, or a lover of people. In fact, it was sort of a burden to the whole thing.

Plech!

So the idea of sitting down a creating a budge-it (in my head, it almost sounds like a swear word) seemed like a total waste of time.

That is until today when my money set me straight.

So translating that conversation into an actual budget - yes, one with figures - didn't feel like a chore. I wasn't forcing myself to have integrity about finances. Instead, I figured out what drove me, what motivated me in my life, and applied it.

And while at the end of my budgeting I may cringe at my financial deficit, I certainly can't act on what I don't know. In this turbulent world, knowledge is key.

And the Web is wealthy with reputable sites, and advice, on staying financially fit. There are resources to help everyone no matter where they are in their conversation with money. CNNMoney.com gives us '11 ways to save money now' and a more, spiritual perhaps, look at how the economic downturn is shaping our cumulative financial values. MSNBC provides practical advice with day-to-day money saving tips like ways to save on groceries.

There's even sites that have fun with money, with a little history on slang words for money. Because, really, when did it all get so serious anyway.

Finally, even when there is no money left to save or spend, there is the fundamental desire many of us have to give of ourselves. We've seen it all over the world - grass-roots organizations like Family-to-Family who were motivated in 2002 after reading a New York Times article about the town of Pembroke, Ill. and its relentless battle with poverty.

And this was in 2002, six years before the downturn in 2008.

Now, like always, is the time to have conversations with ourselves about what we really want and then act on it, not just react to the situations we find ourselves in. While we can't predict the way the world will turn, upside down or right side up, we can control how we deal with it.

I think we forget, I know I have recently, that we always have the power of choice. We're never victims of a situation unless we allow ourselves to be. That's courage, I think, to make a choice for peace, love, productivity, focus, action, healing, and faith in spite of it all.

I heard Tony Robbins once talk about how diamonds are created in moments of intense heat and high-pressure. The same can be true for us.

We really can create miracles out of a crisis.

“The secret of success is to realize that the crisis on our planet is much larger than just deciding what to do with your own life, and if the system under which we live, the structure of western civilization begins to collapse because of our selfishness and greed, then it will make no difference whether you have $1 million dollars when the crash comes or just $1.00. The only work that will ultimately bring any good to any of us is the work of contributing to the healing of the world.”
-- Marianne Williamson --